Why Does Deprogramming Feel Like Grief?

I think many women get initially defensive of this message because it’s painful to reflect on how much time, bandwidth, and money has been spent on our appearances. Most girls are taught or internalize messages about how important a woman’s appearance is. It’s the prerequisite that gets us anywhere else it seems.

So if we’ve spent decades believing a lie that we’re ugly or naturally unfeminine (whatever that means), or inherently unhygienic (especially relative to the men we know and love), it’s painful to think about how much that lie has cost you. How much was lost because you were brainwashed, how you weren’t smarter than the marketing, more resilient to the peer pressure, how you were made to feel not at home in your body at all and are now betrayed by the system that molded you.

While a great amount of peace comes from deprogramming, it is usually preceded by grief. These are often twin feelings for a while until the grief part fades. One day you’ll be so at ease in your body that your old mindset will feel like a faint memory. Or you’ll care so much about changing the world that the grief grows into passion for the truth about the human body and compassion for other women. Grief done well is always transfigured into something greater.

Grief is a sign of love. It is very liberating to think that, despite all the self-objectification, you still have so much love you for yourself; that you yearn for something more freeing, lasting, and peaceful. Grieving is a part of healing. So don’t be afraid.